Category Archives: Listener Letter

071 – Chiropractic Medicine Woo – Debunking Evolution

Death eluded us all night.  The scheduled topic was “death” but being such a short show, we were unable to fit it in this week.  Fortunately though – it got bumped by our incredible callers, our newest host (Rachel Nanon Brown) and a lively discussion about Chiropractic medicine woo woo.  All in all, it’s jam packed and may take you a day or two to get through it all.

Rachel Joins Atheists On Air

Can I get a woot woot?  Talk about feeling unarmed and outnumbered, with the addition of Rachel Nanon Brown along with Professor Stephen, this poorly educated Hillbilly is feeling overwhelmed – in a good way though!  You know Rachel from Dogma Debate where she co-hosted along side of David Smalley for years.  Rachel is addicted to that shit they call science and she’s well versed in the theory of evolution. (Its just a theory though.)

So much about everything in life can be explained by the evolutionary processes.  If you think you didn’t have plenty to learn already, Atheists On Air proudly welcomes Rachel to the team.  Be sure to say hi by visiting her Facebook page and leaving a comment.

Death Will Try Again

On our next show, I promise (pinky promise) to discuss Atheists and the Afterlife including the pains of dealing with death.

Chiropractic Medicine Woo

Professor Stephen tackled the 95% snake oil woo woo science known as Chiropractic medicine.  In this segment, Professor Stephen compared chiropractic stuffs with massage therapy and real medicine like physical therapy.  Follow the twists and turns in this special segment and learn all you ever need to know about the almost as good as a massage practice called Chiropracty. (real urban dictionary word)

Holiday Gatherings Offer Propaganda Opportunities

Rachel outs the bullshitRachel found a sciencey looking magazine during a holiday gathering.  Apparently placed specifically so that she would find, read and be converted to creationism.  The articles unfolded the “worst” arguments against evolution that she’s ever seen.   Rachel takes us through their dishonest articles and their supposed studies referenced.

You know you’re fucked when you must appeal to authority but must bastardize what the authorities said in order to make your case.

Be sure to take your Ginko before hearing this takedown by Rachel.  You’ll want to remember it for future rebuttals.

More Supporters

I called out some very special fans who’ve taken us over the 100 supporter mark at Patreon.com/atheists.  Thanks to you for parting with your hard earned dollars and supporting the show.  We know there are a million places that you could lend a hand and have chosen to help us continue our quest to save the fucking world.

We are only about 30 people away from reaching our goal and going weekly with the show (assuming a $10 pledge) but realistically if about 300 out of our thousands of fans could support us with a dollar, we’d hit that goal and be able to maintain a regular weekly show.

SPECIAL LETTERS: I’d be checking my mail if I were you.  Many of our biggest fans and supporters will be receiving a special envelope in the mail this week.  Custom artwork on the outside by non other than – me.  It’s just our way of saying thank you and spreading some love back at ya!

Callers

We were graced by some awesome people via the phone lines.  A special thanks Stephanie Jones for once again getting them answered and ready to go live.  Thank you for calling in.

Emails We Missed

aoa email

Hell_Fucking_Yes__-_skepticcash_gmail_com_-_Gmail

The Rant

There is one thing we are all going to do.  Every single one of us, from the most paranoid whole foods schizophrenic anti-gmo aluminum foil headdress wearing fucktards to the normal run of the mill, overweight and chain smoking bald podcasters – We are all going to die.

Yup, sorry for the spoiler – but your death is inevitable and for some it’s so becoming.  Of course if you are in the right religion, the true religion and have abided by it’s terms and conditions and fine print then press hard, 3 copies please – then you are off to a new life.  Your body restored, except your asshole and snot glands omitted because perfection can not include those and the 1000’s of other human traits that plague a truly happy existence.

Now here is where it gets fucking good, I mean literally fucking awesome!  You are going to experience some bright light and some shadowy figures resembling long lost loved ones who happened to have chosen the same religion as yourselves.

You are going to know unfathomable joy.  – I really can’t do this justice but it’s better than your best orgasm and it’s going to last forever.  Yes, I know, this Jesus man must modify you a bit to be able to endure the never-ending joy that awaits you.  This is a minor change but will allow you to feel all warm and tingly without it becoming painful and intolerable like it does when I continue to suck your clit after you have experienced that one final grand finale orgasm.

Stay with me, it’s gets more ambiguous as we go.  You are going to get to worship and praise the one true God forever, fly around and just do shit.  Not hard shit, but fun shit.  We and our little teeny tiny brains can’t fathom it or even understand it so just take my word for it, you are going to have fun, fun fun.  Singing too.

This is your promise!  You’re probably already wanting to sign up, but wait, —— there’s more – it’s the bonus of eternity.

Those pesky atheists, those fake Christians, those muslims, jews and Hindus – you get to watch them be cast into a lake of fire.  A fire that doesn’t kill but tortures their heathen bodies forever!   YES!  Finally, you’ve been vindicated – you’ve given up masturbation, except when you didn’t, you’ve avoided lusting after others, except when you didn’t, you’ve worn tshirts and tie clips with a cross and that one time you had a debate with a dick of an atheist on Facebook and you defended your lord and master, the king supreme invisible leader and ruler of the universe – you can watch him suffer – you now can watch that little asshole of a child you raised in the church who became a heathen scientist and deny young earth creation you know to be a fact because the Bible says so – you can watch him scream and beg as the demons torture him eternally, you get to watch for eternity the pain and agony of all those children who died before hearing about the one true god and instead worshipped like you, the one their parents and society worshipped.  And that niece of yours, the one who was just a little whore, the one who had sex with others and then that time she had an abortion, well she’s getting hers – don’t you worry.

You get to watch as Billions gnash their teeth and claw in attempts to escape the undying worm of eternal torture.  2 million years from now, you’ve perfected that song and praise to Jesus, you’ve ridden on every cloud, explored the universe, you can still always have a seat from on high and watch as billions suffer.  Halefuckinglooya!   

That’s just one bonus, there will be endless supplies of Milk and Honey, golden streets and of course you’ll have a palace, probably just down the street from Jesus’s very own pad.

Imagine how much fun, not 2 million years from now, but 10 billion years from now and you won’t have even really scratched the surface of eternity – You can praise jesus daily, bow and prostrate yourself before him and then fly around, zoom from galaxy to galaxy and although you’ve been doing the same thing over and over and over for eons, you’ll have forever and then some.  It never ends.

This may sound boring, but Jesus will alter the you that is you so that it never becomes old, it will be the quentisential ground hog day over and over and over.  Yaaaaaay You!

And after billions and billions of millennia’s have passed, you can still stop and enjoy the screams and agonies of those ignorant fools who weren’t lucky enough to be born in the USA where most everyone worships the one and true God.

I wish I could share with you more.  I know many have crossed over and returned but even they at best can only provide details of things that we already relate to.  There is no new information, no new something that can and will inspire you to hold fast – it’s blurry rainbows, lush fields, lot’s of fluffy clouds and waterfalls.  It’s your true christian ancestors and that creepy touchy feely uncle who repented for his sins.  You get all that and be with them forever!

You’d think the purveyor of near death experiences would provide information that none of us can relate to, we can’t understand it or that it’s completely and utterly foreign in human knowledge.

But don’t let this cause a lack of faith.  The Mormons, although probably going the way of the heathens what with their change from Gods commands by allowing black people to be temple married and giving up on the multiple wives and multiple husbands – do however have an answer to the NDE problem.  Near death experience tellers aren’t allowed to share the truth of what they see.  According to once Prophet and personal friend of Jesus: Joseph Smith, if we could get a glimpse of heaven, we’d kill ourselves to get in.  Spencer W. Kimball, another prophet who actually visited heaven said, I’ve seen many glimpses of heaven and you can’t even imagine.

The Bible says you get to go to heaven and the bible was written by and directed by God and it says so right there in the bible.  Add that to the Near Death Experience tellers and your own experiences with orbs and ghosts, tingly feelings, bright lights and vivid dreams and there is no longer evidence required.

So here’s the deal, there are over 31,000 sects of christianity in the world today and among those their individuals don’t agree on everything.  There are hundreds of other gods currently being worshipped and it’s all contrived by so called holy books and holier men.

There are some facts though.  You are going to die and as far as anyone knows, this is the one and only life you’ll ever know.  There is zero and by zero I mean absofuckinglootley no evidence, not one shred of evidence for an afterlife, for your god or for any thing beyond your dead body.

As Christopher Hitchen’s said, the party doesn’t end, but you don’t get to stay.   

You get this one life, you get this one moment, you can actually help humanity, you can actually leave a legacy, a ripple so to speak that will touch countless others in the centuries to come by speaking only of what we know and basing your decisions and actions on helping others         Or

you can spend it in hopes for the next while deluding those in your power to delude with the same by spreading nonsense, hiding from logic and reason, judging others and encouraging the ignorance that has faithfully brought you to this point.

If you chose the latter, then fuck you.  Fuck you for those who’s lives you’ve manipulated and harmed with your ignorant and judgmental dogmas.  Fuck you for causing countless to miss out on this life and the joy of the here and now.  Fuck you for inflicting this disease on humanity that is the source for false hope and missed opportunities.

Fuck you for those who felt guilt when they masturbated, for those who go without sex altogether for the false reward in heaven, fuck you for relegating the pain and suffering experienced now by those starving and dying – to an imaginary life of peace and fullness later.

If the only harm done by the religious was to promote a claim of an afterlife, it should be enough to be indicted for crimes on humanity.  False hope gives rise to false ideas and false ideas give rise to harm.  Fuck you & fuck you!

065 – You Are NOT Alone – Atheists

You’ve just realized, you’ve accepted it, you’re an Atheist.  Now what?  Are there others?  Are there any Atheists near me?  It can be an isolating feeling.  But really, you’re not alone at all.  Most of us will attempt backflips at the sign of a new Atheist friendship.  And although we have no morals and are without empathy, we are incredibly welcoming.

Fortunately, those that have come before us, have seen the need and started groups and meetups and online forums just for you.  You are NOT alone!

Meet More Atheists

Online you can find a plethora of groups to interact with and form new friendships.  Some are specifically for helping those make the transition and understand exactly how that feels.  Here are some helpful links:

  • Facebook groups – search atheist or humanist or agnostic ( I searched “recovering from religion” and found several groups, both private and open)
  • Atheist Nexus (A list with links to many great groups for the heathen in us all)
  • Recovering from Religion (http://recoveringfromreligion.org)
  • Meetup.com – It will search your area for possible groups and if you don’t see one – start your own (it’s easy)
  • Reddit.com – Many Atheist and Secular groups
  • One of my favorites: http://whywontgodhealamputees.com/forums/

If you know of others, please comment below.

 

061 ExChristian Confessions Matthew O’Neil God Particle

I can’t even begin to tell you what an amazing show this is.  Starting with a rant on sin, modesty and whores, we then spoke with Andrea who was diagnosed last week with IIH and  then our guest, Matthew O’Neil, author of You Say That I Am joined us to discuss his new book and the Messianic problems of Christ. And all that, right at the beginning.

Somehow and I’m still trying to figure it out, we were plagued at the beginning of the show with two uninvited guests.  Unbeknownst to me, the audio on the video feed was muted and so the rant is only available above or via the podcast outlets like Stitcher, Spreaker and iTunes.  After the rant I figured it out and removed the visitors and un-muted my line.

No worries, the entire 4.5 hour show is available by clicking above or visiting our Stitcher page.

Pastor Roy – Catfish Creek Trailer Park

Keep up with all the going ons at CCTP with the community report and stay tuned for the Prayer Request Line Miracle Minute.  Finally a preacher that knows what God really wants.

Help Andrea and Casey Helping A Heathen Family

Andrea Gaudette-FontneauRamos is a friend of the show.  She was diagnosed last week with IIH which mimics a brain tumor by causing to much pressure on the brain.  Her husband Casey is working full-time while trying to keep up with the children and all the doctors appointments.

They have created a GoFundMe page seeking our support and already some of you have helped out. Please check out the page here and support them with whatever you can afford.  The God’s have informed me that because of your support, they will provide a dessert sometime in the future.

Matthew O’Neil

you say that i amI gushed enough during the show so I shall spare you here, but buy this book.  You Say That I Am is a very well written book that is palatable by anyone.  It will certainly arm you with information I’ve yet to hear about the Messianic problems with Christ (Jesus).

Although I’m in the camp that Jesus probably never existed in any form, this book provides evidence that counters much of what Christians will throw at you regarding the nature of Christ.  Last night we offered 10 free signed copies to anyone who posted on our facebook wall with a picture and a request for a copy. As of my writing we are at 5 or 6, so if you hurry, you might just get a free signed copy.

4 1/2 Hours – WTF?

Yup, we actually ran over our normal 3 hours by 1.5 hours and I promise, you’ve heard nothing like it.  Honestly, listening – the time will fly by.

We received several calls, we discussed Statism and the flawed ideas behind Libertarianism.  Professor Stephen said we will surely lose some listeners after our harsh words on both.

A Huge Thanks

Recently we have received new Patrons who have joined to support our efforts with the FFRF.  If you don’t know what I’m referring to, please help us save the fucking world by visiting: http://aoa.fm/joinffrf.

We’ve also had several donations to our GoFundMe page in support of us attempting to make a significant impact in FFRF memberships.

Thank you all!  We love you and every cent, whether Patreon.com/atheists or the GoFundMe funds, it’s all gone to and will continue to secure memberships for those who can’t afford it.  Currently there are over 30 people waiting for memberships and we could use your help.  Simply go to GoFundMe.com and make a donation to help.

Professor Stephen Higgs BosonProfessor Stephen – Higgs Boson Particle

The Snake Oil Woo Woo segment is becoming the most popular part of the show thanks to Professor Stephen.  His knack for taking the complex and delivering it in bite sized pieces is uncanny.  Enjoy this weeks edition and get your learn on.

Let’s Kick Joyce Meyers Ass!

Want to help the show grow?  Yes!  Well head on over to our Stitcher page and help us boot Joyce Meyers or that Smiley Faced preacher off the top 5 list.  We are currently at the 33rd position and could use your help.

Simply go to Stitcher here and scroll down near the bottom and look for the orange “write a review” button.  Rate us and write a short review purdy puleeze.

Atheists On Air - Stitcher

Rant:

Sin…

This idea and belief that certain things are bad, very bad – in fact many are considered evil. My 15 year old daughter longs to be 25 as most do, likes to wear short shorts, belly shirts and tight jeans.  My older daughters suffered from my zealous moral ideologies severely.  It is the source now of much of my parenting guilt.

 

One of them after years of heavy indoctrination about premarital sex, revealing clothing and the incessant pleas to abstain from allowing a boy to violate her recounted her first sexual experience being anal.  All to avoid losing her virginity.

 

My plan worked on the vagina but I failed to cover the other orifices in my indoctrinations.  She at 17 went unprepared into a relationship and it’s my fault.  Now I’m not saying there is anything wrong with anal sex.  It’s fantastic from my perspective now, but at one time I never considered that my edicts for abstinence would result in possibly dangerous attempts to satisfy a biological urge that is demonstrably stronger than any moral code and it’s accompanying punishment could dissuade.

I required skirts to the knees at least, shorts that came mid thigh and nothing remotely see through.  I taught them nothing of the joys or risks of sex and only spent my time foretelling of great sorrow and pain they would cause themselves if they surrendered to the sin of sex.  I told them how God sees all, that he would lift away blessings of protection and could possibly punish our entire family.

All this I learned and was just repeating the same.  Never did I reason with the ideas I firmly thought true, but instead accepted lock stock and barrel every immoral idea and indoctrination I’d received.

I was talking to my father once, prior to atheism and we were discussing heaven.  I told him I was going to ask God why he made mosquitos and sand gnats once I died and could meet him.  My father said he was going to ask why on earth he gave us such strong sex drives while forbidding most everything sexual.

 

Even then it did not hit me.  I didn’t question God’s legitimacy, I only questioned the logic of his rules.  But always this was short lived.  I never once considered that god wasn’t real.

 

Back to my youngest daughter.  By the way, I have six and hopefully my parenting is more in line with reason and logic than sociologic ideologies.  I have no problem now with her wearing the clothes she likes to wear.  My wife worries about what other people may be thinking and if they are having sexual thoughts about the girls, but I argue that I can’t control the thoughts of others and they don’t bother me in the least.

 

Today, Muslim men require daughters to hide their faces to prevent males from having sexual or lustful thoughts.  Women are not free to express themselves in the least.  Some can not even show the bottoms of their feet due to religious dogma that insists coverings.

 

How is my requiring skirts to the knees any different?  My father required my sisters to wear shorts over their one piece bathing suits and I once demanded the same.  It seems to me now that if there is risk in wearing revealing clothing, that the source of the risk needs the education.  It seems we need to educate the males in society that no matter the lack of clothing a female wears says nothing about her desires.

 

I remember my mom after seeing a girl I was walking home with who donned a tube top.  That girl is asking for it.  She is not wholesome and is only wanting to have sex.  Obviously my mother was indoctrinated with the same misogynistic and morally bankrupt ideas.

 

Girls today are taught the same nonsense.  A girl wearing something revealing is a slut and probably wants to have an orgy.  These ideas come from religion and have even deluded the general social ideas.

 

Now we must warn our daughters that possibly wearing sexy clothing could incite unsafe conditions for themselves.  This is fucking retarded.  It’s backwards thinking.  We aren’t dealing with meat suits in lion cages.  We are dealing with disrespectful males, human males who’ve been given a pass on restraining themselves from violating another human.

 

We’ve taught our sons that girls that dress like that are immoral.  They are sluts.  We’ve encouraged an idea that it’s perfectly normal for a male to be stimulated and responsibility only falls on the female to avoid the unwarranted attention by shrouding her in face coverings, tent dresses, loose clothing and coverups.

 

What the actual fuck is going on?  Well I’ll tell you.  It’s religion!  Every single major religion counts the women among the sheep.  They are not equals, they aren’t even human.  They are slaves to male misogynistic laws and edicts.

 

The Torah and the Bible condone these ideas.  It condones rape and holds a women’s loss of virginity as a crime punishable by death.  Although societies morals have superseded that of the bible, our religious parents raise girls to believe that showing this or that is immoral and that they are sluts and whores if they don’t abide.

 

Even our public schools have been influenced by the religious ideas on sex.  This year news broke of students being sent home for wearing shorts that didn’t come past the fingertips.  The administration defended it’s position with, “Boys can’t concentrate if girls wear clothing like that.”

 

This was no isolated incident.  Today every public school has a modesty clause or dress code that is biased against the females.  And if you ask the administration, they all will defend it with, It’s a distraction.  Why the fuck is it a distraction?

 

Well it’s a distraction because religious parents of males are not demanding their children have respect for all, instead they do as my mom did.  They teach them that girls who are sexy or appealing are immoral.

 

It’s a cycle of ignorance at the hands of the religious.  In a moral society, let me change that, in an ethical society, a female should be able to safely walk down the street nude if she wanted without the fear of intimidation, cat calls and threats.  Shouldn’t males be held to the same standard of ethics?

 

Religions fathers were sinisterly brilliant.  They took something innate, something completely normal and called it sin.  They then provided a repentance process that guaranteed the church continued business.

 

Some religions have gone further, they have made it immoral to turn on a switch on the sabbath, to walk alone as a female, to eat certain foods and even to the extreme of making certain thoughts a crime.

 

Religion has infected humanity with a virus that instills virtue in nothing.  It could of been bending your elbow in public.

 

Yes, bending your elbow is fine in the privacy of your home, but in public, ohhhh that is so immoral.  God doesn’t like that.

 

Well I have to bend my elbows in public.  I work at UPS and other workers will see me as I lift and load boxes.  Yes, we know, no one can be perfect like WoogeyBoogeyBoo was, but fortunately if you sin, you can pay penance here.  You can be forgiven and the lord will love you again.

 

Yes, but I plan to work at UPS for years and I’m certain I can’t hide my elbow bends from everyone.

 

Yes, we know.  But WoogeyBoogeyBoo loves you and would rather you find a job where you aren’t required to bend your elbows in public.  Maybe you could pray to him and he could help you find another job.

 

But I can’t even go grocery shopping without bending my elbows.  Why did WoogeyBoogeyBoo give me elbows if I wasn’t to use them.

 

Oh, well that’s simple.  The lord God woogeyboogeyboo gave you elbows to use in the privacy of your own home with reverence and respect.  He knew you’d want to bend them but he certainly doesn’t want you to bend them in public.

 

But fear not.  If you must bend them in public, please come see us and with your tithes and repentance –  you can be forgiven.

 

Eventually the school systems have codes of conduct to prevent distraction, they forbid bending of elbows while at school.  The government makes laws and rules as if these moral codes and edicts actually have value and eventually society, even the non religious think it’s valid.

 

Life vests promote drowning, fire extinguishers and alarms promote arson and so we certainly can’t teach young men to respect women regardless of what they wear.

 

It’s insanity.  I’ve asked others before.  What reason do you have against women wearing revealing clothing.  If it is immoral, then Why?  How so?  Ultimately you will get a response that they don’t want others to harass, harm or violate the girls.  Well great, but shouldn’t that responsibility lie solely on the ones doing the harm and violations?

 

The Jewish laws found mainly in the Torah forbid you from carrying your keys, medicine or even kleenex outside of your home on the Sabbath.  And I can understand, this could ruin society and it’s simply immoral.

 

But fear not, the devil is with them.  The Jews have figured out how to bend at the elbow in public..  They erect a line or wire that surrounds their village or even their neighborhoods in the U.S.  Thereby creating a larger home so to speak.  So instead of their home being what a home is, the four walls and door in which you reside, it is now the entire neighborhood.  It’s called an Eruv.

 

Now the immoral act of walking outside and blowing your nose on the sabbath is completely moral and because God is suck a fuckwit, he doesn’t even realize the trick they just played on him.

 

I’ve said all this to say this.  My daughter should not fear retaliation, should not be made into a public whore or immoral trollop because she wears a belly shirt or short shorts.  It is you, YOU religious fucktards who should teach your boys and your men to control themselves.  Responsibility lies solely on your shoulders.  I will not bend or break the rights of others to preserve and protect your immoral, unethical and misogynistic idealogies.

 

In short, you can fuck off!  Your religion is responsible for this madness.  It starts with you, it starts with you looking beyond the prohibition against and determining why. You can pretend your edicts hold valid cause but they do not and we will call you out on each occasion.

 

You can not defend your position unless you can defend covering your daughters from head to toe like the muslims require.  You can not defend your position unless you abide by all the laws and edicts found in your holy books.

 

I’ve had enough of your cherry picking christian conservative ignorance.  You are harming my family and the world’s humanity.  Fuck you and fuck your fake ass, cherry picked bronze aged morals.

 

May God B less.

061 ExChristian Confessions Matthew O’Neil God Particle

God’s Survey

[submitted by listener: Pariah Exile]  Thank you!

Ya know those survey forms they have tucked into everything you buy now-a-days ? I hate those damn things. There was one of those survey cards sitting on the desk. One thing lead to another; this is the result, which ensures my place in Hell. This is ancient, but I am still fairly pleased with it.

 

To Better Serve You: God would like you to fill out the following:

                              

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

 

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

 

1. How did you find out about your deity?

Newspaper

Bible

Torah

Television

Book of Mormon

Divine Inspiration

Dead Sea Scrolls

My Mama Done Tol’ Me

Near Death Experience

Near Life Experience

National Public Radio

Tabloid

Burning Shrubbery

Other

 

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

Yahweh

Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pack]

Jehovah

Jesus

Krishna

Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pack]

Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pack]

Allah

Satan

Gia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

Custom Blend [ with/without options]

None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

 

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

Yes

No

 

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:

Not eternal

Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos

Not omniscient

Not omnipotent

Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)

Permits sex outside of marriage

Prohibits sex outside of marriage

Makes mistakes (Jeffery Dahmer; televangilists,George Bush Jr)

Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

When beseeched, does not stay beseeched

Requires burnt offerings

Requires virgin sacrifices

 

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all

that apply.

 

Indoctrinated by parents

Needed a reason to live

Indoctrinated by society

Needed focus whom to despise

Imaginary friend grew up

Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense

Hate to think for myself

Wanted to meet girls/boys

Fear of death

Wanted to piss off parents

Needed a day away from work

Desperate need for certainty

Like organ music

Need to feel morally superior

Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

Strange Stuff was falling out of the sky

My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it

 

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

Mick Jagger

Cthulhu

Baal

The Almighty Dollar

Bill Gates

Left-Wing Liberalism

The Radical Right

Ra

Beelzebub

Barney

The Great Spirit

The Great Pumpkin

The Sun

Elvis

Cindy Crawford

The Moon

Burning Shrubbery

Television

Other

 

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?

Please check all that apply.

 

Tarot

Lottery

Astrology

Television

Fortune cookies

Ann Landers

Psychic Friends Network

Dianetics

Palmistry

Playboy and/or Playgirl

Self-help books

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll

Biorhythms

Alcohol

Bill Clinton

Tea Leaves

EST

The Internet

Mantras

Jimmy Swaggert

Crystals

Human Sacrifice

Pyramids

Wandering Around a Desert

Insurance Policies

Burning Shrubbery

Barney

Pokemon

Other

None

 

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level

of felt presence and blind faith.

 

Which would you prefer (select one)?

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don’t know…what’s Divine Intervention?

 

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

 

Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following:

(1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

 

A.  Disasters:

Flood: 1 2 3 4 5

Famine: 1 2 3 4 5

Earthquake: 1 2 3 4 5

War: 1 2 3 4 5

Pestilence: 1 2 3 4 5

Plague: 1 2 3 4 5

SPAM: 1 2 3 4 5

AOL: 1 2 3 4 5

Ken Starr: 1 2 3 4 5

 

B.  Miracles:

Rescues: 1 2 3 4 5

Spontaneous remissions: 1 2 3 4 5

Stars hovering over jerkwater towns: 1 2 3 4 5

Crying statues: 1 2 3 4 5

Water changing to wine: 1 2 3 4 5

Walking on water: 1 2 3 4 5

VCRs that set their own clocks: 1 2 3 4 5

Saddam Hussein still alive: 1 2 3 4 5

Getting any sex whatsoever: 1 2 3 4 5

 

 

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services?

 

                              

 

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located service centers by December 30, you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 9.07251 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered).

 

 

Thank You,

 

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