God’s Survey

[submitted by listener: Pariah Exile]  Thank you!

Ya know those survey forms they have tucked into everything you buy now-a-days ? I hate those damn things. There was one of those survey cards sitting on the desk. One thing lead to another; this is the result, which ensures my place in Hell. This is ancient, but I am still fairly pleased with it.


To Better Serve You: God would like you to fill out the following:


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.


Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.


1. How did you find out about your deity?





Book of Mormon

Divine Inspiration

Dead Sea Scrolls

My Mama Done Tol’ Me

Near Death Experience

Near Life Experience

National Public Radio


Burning Shrubbery



2. Which model deity did you acquire?


Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pack]




Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pack]

Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pack]



Gia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

Custom Blend [ with/without options]

None of the above, I was taken in by a false god


3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?




If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:

Not eternal

Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos

Not omniscient

Not omnipotent

Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)

Permits sex outside of marriage

Prohibits sex outside of marriage

Makes mistakes (Jeffery Dahmer; televangilists,George Bush Jr)

Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

When beseeched, does not stay beseeched

Requires burnt offerings

Requires virgin sacrifices


4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all

that apply.


Indoctrinated by parents

Needed a reason to live

Indoctrinated by society

Needed focus whom to despise

Imaginary friend grew up

Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense

Hate to think for myself

Wanted to meet girls/boys

Fear of death

Wanted to piss off parents

Needed a day away from work

Desperate need for certainty

Like organ music

Need to feel morally superior

Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

Strange Stuff was falling out of the sky

My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it


5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

Mick Jagger



The Almighty Dollar

Bill Gates

Left-Wing Liberalism

The Radical Right




The Great Spirit

The Great Pumpkin

The Sun


Cindy Crawford

The Moon

Burning Shrubbery




6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?

Please check all that apply.






Fortune cookies

Ann Landers

Psychic Friends Network



Playboy and/or Playgirl

Self-help books

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll



Bill Clinton

Tea Leaves


The Internet


Jimmy Swaggert


Human Sacrifice


Wandering Around a Desert

Insurance Policies

Burning Shrubbery






7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level

of felt presence and blind faith.


Which would you prefer (select one)?

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don’t know…what’s Divine Intervention?


8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.


Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following:

(1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):


A.  Disasters:

Flood: 1 2 3 4 5

Famine: 1 2 3 4 5

Earthquake: 1 2 3 4 5

War: 1 2 3 4 5

Pestilence: 1 2 3 4 5

Plague: 1 2 3 4 5

SPAM: 1 2 3 4 5

AOL: 1 2 3 4 5

Ken Starr: 1 2 3 4 5


B.  Miracles:

Rescues: 1 2 3 4 5

Spontaneous remissions: 1 2 3 4 5

Stars hovering over jerkwater towns: 1 2 3 4 5

Crying statues: 1 2 3 4 5

Water changing to wine: 1 2 3 4 5

Walking on water: 1 2 3 4 5

VCRs that set their own clocks: 1 2 3 4 5

Saddam Hussein still alive: 1 2 3 4 5

Getting any sex whatsoever: 1 2 3 4 5



9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services?




If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located service centers by December 30, you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 9.07251 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered).



Thank You,


Big G



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